The Very Merry Comfort of Isolation
by societyanditsdiscontents
Summary: Post 1x22: Caroline awakens after surgery and discovers that her insecurities consume her more than she realized. Even though she's with Matt, she believes he'll never feel like she does. Other issues also arise. 'M' for language.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just my story, minus the characters of course, which belong to L.J. Smith, the CW, etc.

The Very Merry Comfort of Isolation

Summary: Caroline Forbes awakens after surgery and discovers that her insecurities consume her more than she realized. Even though she is with Matt, she believes that he is already too deeply locked into his former relationship with Elena to ever feel that strongly about her. Other issues, Caroline finds with herself and her life, also arise.

Chapter 1

The morning after the accident, 9:30am.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

_So, I'm alive. _Caroline Forbes thought. _Perfect. I should be happy, right? Content with the fact that I'm a Mystic Falls survivor-one of the few people who got hurt but didn't die. _

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

_Okay, okay, I get it. Thank you, machine. Life has been restored in Caroline Forbes…although it's been taken away from so many people within the past few months, within the past day. _

_This is fucked up. Everything is so fucked up. God, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm alive, damn it. I'm alive! And yet, I'm not as grateful as I should be. _

_It's not like I wish I had died in surgery, or in that accident. I was fine, before I collapsed. I was worried about Tyler and Matt…Matt was worried about me. That was a nice feeling…to have someone worry about you. It showed that he cared. But, I feel, I feel like…I don't know…numb. At least part of me does. It's like I wake up in a hospital room, with wires stuck in me, listening to a machine signal to me that my heart's still beating, I've got stitches, and I'm in pain, and it just makes me realize how much life really sucks. I mean life just…sucks. I know, I should be thankful I'm alive, that I survived the accident, that I survived the operation, blah, blah, blah… But the fact that all that stuff happened just shows, terrible things can occur and they'll keep occurring. I mean, there's the good stuff that counteracted the bad: the life saving operation, the stitches keeping my surgical cuts together, the wires in me providing pain killers and sensing my body of any possible dramatic instances, making sure to alert someone if anything goes wrong. And then, there's that beeping machine and the pain, letting me know I'm still alive. All of that is the positive side, the happy side, of the situation. But in the future, there will just be bad stuff to counteract all that good. Physical, mental, whatever… Something else in life will start to suck to remind me, well, to remind me how much life sucks, and to always make me wonder if it'll get better…_

_And the one thought that is standing out right now amongst all the others, is that there's nobody in this world that I can think of to be by my side, to hold my hand and ask me if I'm okay, to tell me that life isn't as bad as I think it is. _

_There's my mom, but I've been such a bitch to her. It's just hard. Part of me feels like she blames me for dad leaving, and not the fact that, I don't know, dad just happens to like men? Maybe she thinks I was a bad influence on him. Super-girly Caroline turned her father effeminate. Maybe she's just still bitter about the whole thing. If you think about it, it is a pretty huge blow to your self-esteem- your husband and the father of your child leaving you for another man. Whatever it is, or was, keeps us from being nice to each other; thus, giving me a feeling of awkwardness at the thought of my mother, pulling up a chair next to my hospital bed, grasping my hand, and crying tears of joy that her baby girl still lives. That kind of love should be met with gratitude in most every other situation. But this time, this particular situation, that gesture of maternal devotion, would just be met with uncomfortable unfamiliarity. _

_There's Elena, but I've always felt like sloppy seconds with her, like the understudy for Bonnie. _

_And Bonnie, well with her, I've always felt like the understudy for Elena. We've been getting closer a lot lately, but that's only because she and Elena are becoming more and more distant. See? Told you. Sloppy seconds._

_There's Matt… Yeah, right. Speaking of being second best…no, sorry, just second. _

_I mean, we've been happy lately together. I like him a lot and I think he likes me…just not as much._

_We kiss, we smile, we watch movies together. We have fun, but that's all it is, isn't it? Fun. He tells me this thing between us is the only good thing in his life right now. But if you look at his life, it's really not the best… So the fact that I'm the good thing, just means that I'm the least of all evils… Not to mention the fact that he's told me time and time again that he's not over Elena. I know he's doing it to be nice, to warn me, so I don't get my hopes completely up. That doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. In fact, it hurts worse- having the guy you like and I guess, are sort of dating, tell you that he's still not over his first love. The girl, who, even with all the tragedies in her life, is still wanted by everybody. _

_I guess that's it. I guess that's why part of me isn't happy that I'm still here. Life is this terrible, horrible thing, which becomes even more terrible, even more horrible, if you can't picture a single person that could make it better. _

_Needless to say, that part of me that isn't content about the beeping machine and you know, the fact that I have the ability to breathe, still doesn't want to die. I don't want to die. I just want to be left alone. So if someone has to tell me I'm second rate, the only person who could do that...would be me._

_There's this __Joan of Arcadia__ episode where Joan's older brother goes into her room, and she's hiding under the covers and he asks her, "What are you doing?" and she says, "Imagining I was in a coma."_

_Yep. That's it. I'm glad I survived the surgery. I'm just not glad I survived it conscious. _

That afternoon, 2:00pm.

Matt Donovan had just walked into to Mystic Falls Hospital carrying a bag of takeout from The Grill and chewing his lip furiously. He got a call from Sheriff Forbes this morning, telling him that Caroline had gotten out of surgery.

Caroline went into surgery around 10 the night before. They were prepping her right around the same time Sheriff Forbes told Matt about her internal bleeding. Soon after that, Tyler ran out to go be with his mother. She was yelling frantically over the pay phone Tyler had used to call her, and he had no idea what was going on. All he could manage to understand was that something was wrong with his father. Something bad. Very, very bad. And he needed to "Leave the hospital and run like hell for home." Those were his mother's words. So…he did, thanking God he lived in a small town, so he wouldn't have to worry about needing his wrecked car to drive him to his house.

After Tyler left, Sheriff Forbes and Matt sat waiting. Hoping for good news. Dreading the bad. But really, they were just waiting…to hear anything.

Matt was cracking his knuckles. Then, he started shaking his leg. After that, he got up and started walking back and forth, pacing, in front of Sheriff Forbes and the chair he was just sitting in. He really wasn't sure how he was feeling or how he was _supposed _to be feeling. He was scared. But how scared? He felt sick. But how sick? Of course, he didn't want Caroline to die, but he wasn't sure where that desire for her to live came from, or what category it fell under. Was it that he didn't want one of his oldest friends to die? A girl he had known since first grade? Was he that scared because Caroline was his friend, and like any good friend, he wanted her to live? Was it because he's felt so lonely lately and Caroline was the only one really there for him? Did he just not want to lose her company and go back to feeling abandoned? Or was it because in addition to being there for him she understood what the loneliness felt like, and he didn't want to lose that- someone who could understand?

The strangest thing, Matt was chewing his lip while all of this was going through his head. Something he hadn't done since Elena first broke up with him. So, it made him think. Did he really have feelings for Caroline? They were, _are_, essentially boyfriend and girlfriend; but, their relationship was based on comfort and just the simple fact that they liked one another. Nothing more. They didn't have those _serious _feelings that you have for a _serious _boyfriend or girlfriend. You know, where no one's said "I love you" yet, where it's a given that nobody's moving in with each other, no one's getting an engagement ring, or a promise ring for that matter, but it's understood that the relationship isn't expected to end anytime soon. Matt was wondering, were he and Caroline there yet? And if they weren't, were they in the beginning stages of being there? Was he really starting to like her?

She: on the verge of death. He: scared out of his mind. People always say it's the craziest and most terrifying of situations that make you realize what's important.

_So, Matt, think. How important is Caroline to you? She's in an operating room right now, getting surgery, and there's a chance that she might not make it through. What exactly does she mean to you? _

Matt squeezed his eyes shut, as tight as possible.

_What does Caroline mean to you? _

_I don't know! I don't know! All I know is, after all this bullshit, she's been the one thing…the one good thing… I just don't want her to die. _

"Matt, sit down," Sheriff Forbes said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Uh, I think I'm just going to go get some coffee. Do you want some?"

"I think caffeine is the last thing either of us needs right now. Sit down."

Matt obliged. He sat back down and with the Sheriff, he waited.

Finally, around midnight, a nurse walked out of ICU with an update.

"The surgery's going to take longer than expected," she said solemnly, "Your daughter started hemorrhaging, which is slowing down the process and creating…complications."

"Is she going to be okay?" asked Sheriff Forbes.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we can't say, at least not right now. Please know we are trying everything we can to help your daughter."

Sheriff Forbes sighed and said a quiet, "Thank you," in response.

The nurse went back into the ICU. Matt stared after her, the double doors closing behind her, speechless. He didn't hear anything past "hemorrhaging".

"Matt. Matt. Matthew."

"Yes?"

"You should go home. It's midnight."

"No, Sheriff Forbes. It's okay. I want to stay. I want to wait and see if she's okay."

"Matt, we don't know how long the surgery's going to take. It's already very late. You should just go home. I'll call you in the morning if there's any news."

Matt was silent for a moment, thinking over what he should do. _Staying until the late hours of the night is something serious boyfriends do, like very serious boyfriends, and fiancés, and husbands. Even good friends go home and wait for the call. _

"Matt, there's really no point of you staying here. You were in the accident too. You should go home and rest. I'll call you in the morning."

_Okay, Sheriff, with all due respect, you talking while I'm thinking, or at least trying to think, really isn't helping. _

_She's right though; there really isn't thing I can do here. That doesn't mean I don't care about Caroline, because I do, but her mom's right, there really isn't anything I can do. It's just, if it were Elena in there instead of Caroline, would I stay? _

_That's different. I loved Elena. She was the first person I ever loved, and the only one I've ever loved so far._

_Caroline…I'm not sure who Caroline is yet. Great, now we're back to, what does Caroline mean to you, Matt?_

"Matt. Go home. I'll call you in the morning."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks."

Matt got up and smiled at Sheriff Forbes- a mix of a thank you and an attempt at being comforting. Then, he left. Not because he wasn't a nice guy. He _is _a nice guy. He's _the _nice guy. But because it was late and he was tired and drained and even though, he was really worried about Caroline, he just wanted to go to sleep, and he didn't see how he could be of help sitting in a waiting room doing nothing. Most importantly, he left because he didn't know what else to do. He wasn't sure what role he was supposed to play. They had _just_ started going out. Not to mention, this wasn't like the movies. This wasn't the romantic dramedy where the girl gets hurt and she's in a coma, and the guy holds her hand for days, without sleeping or showering, waiting for her to get up. That's not how things work outside of the movies. That's just not how they work…

Now, it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon and Matt's mission wasn't to be the suffering boyfriend/fiancé/husband/whatever crying by the hospital bed. Matt's mission was to see Caroline, bring her food, and ask her how she was doing. _That's the most ridiculous question you can ask someone whose chance of staying alive was pretty questionable fifteen hours ago. "I know you almost died Caroline, and you're lying in a hospital bed because you just had surgery, a surgery nobody was even sure would save your life, but how are you doing?" _

Matt took a deep breath; his mix of emotions beginning to make him feel sick all over again.

He went up to the nurse's station, determined to focus on something other than the nausea and the confusion that was setting into him.

"Hi, I'm Matt Donovan. I came to see Caroline Forbes. Look, I know she's in ICU and it's family only, but she's…she's a really good friend of mine and I want to make sure she's okay."

"You can see her. Sheriff Forbes put your name on the list."

"What list?"

"A list of the people other than immediate family members that could see her daughter. It's a short list, because we like to keep things like these limited, but you're on it."

"Oh. Thanks. Uh, which room?"

"Room 112."

"Thanks."

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that food you brought her?"

"Yeah, that's not a problem is it?"

"No, it's actually a very nice gesture. When you have to staff a building with world-class medical professionals, something's gotta go. Unfortunately, nationwide, it's generally the chance of serving good food."

"Good to know it's not an issue. Thanks."

Matt held the bag in his hand tighter and walked towards Caroline's room wondering just how nice was "a very nice gesture", a gesture that entailed bringing a girl food, in a hospital. How serious could it be? He had been working all day at The Grill and just picked up the food from there. It's not like he went out of his way to get her a filet mignon with salad on the side...

He found the room and knocked softly; he didn't want to wake her up in case she was sleeping.

"Come in," Caroline responded to the knock at the door.

When Matt walked into the hospital room, he saw Caroline sitting up, remote in hand, staring at the television blankly.

"God, I hate people in love," she said turning off the TV. She had just finished watching a scene from a _One Tree Hill_ rerun. Nathan had just re-proposed to Haley.

Matt stood there not sure what to say, when Caroline turned her face in his direction.

"Oh, Matt. What are you doing here?"

"I was the one knocking on the door."

"Oh, right. I guess I just…wasn't expecting you."

"Oh, is that bad?"

"No, no…it's just sitting in here all day, eating god-awful butterscotch pudding, you start to forget that there are other people who exist besides the ones in the television." She attempted a smile.

"Got it," he said, relieved. He smiled back, but his was natural. He was happy to see Caroline for the first time since he saw her collapsed on the road. And she just made a joke; that's usually an indicator that someone's doing all right.

"So, butterscotch pudding, huh?" He said, walking further into her room. He sat at the edge of the bed, to Caroline's right side, and placed the takeout bag on the TV table over her legs. "I didn't even know hospitals served something as exotic as butterscotch flavored pudding. Don't they usually just stick to the classics? Chocolate and vanilla?" he asked her, with a grin on his face. He was starting to feel better. He was in the moment, talking to Caroline. Not letting his mind travel into other thoughts. His head would just have to deal with committing one action at a time.

"Trust me, I wish they had. Butterscotch pudding is not good. It's not good at all, which is funny, because I used to love it as a kid."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep. But things change. People change," she said, looking at him directly. She was half-trying to reveal her thoughts to Matt and half-trying to keep them secret. Little did she know how quickly he would become aware of the startling new revelation she had after waking up from surgery. Well, at least the abridged version of said revelation.

Matt looked back at Caroline for a moment before saying, "Well, you don't have to worry about pudding anymore, Caroline Forbes. Chocolate, vanilla, butterscotch, or other. I brought you some takeout from The Grill."

"You really didn't have to do that, Matt. I was just being a baby about the pudding. Seriously, it's fine."

"No Caroline, it's nothing, really. I wanted to bring you something. You survived a car crash, the least I could do was put some good food in you. Well, not good as in healthy, but…"

"I know what you mean, Matt. Thanks."

"Sure. It's really no problem. I've got burgers, curly fries," he said smiling at her, a smile that basically said-'You and I started with you being really drunk and curly fries.' She smiled back, genuinely this time, remembering that night and letting the happy feelings of Matt taking care of her rush through her for a moment.

"…And, I forgot the drinks. Damn. I'm sorry, Care."

"That's okay Matt. I've got enough water here for the both of us. It's supposed to be pretty good for you. Apparently, people can die without it…"

Matt smiled, "Yeah, I think I read that somewhere."

"So aren't you glad you didn't bring those sodas? I mean, Matt, I just survived a car crash and a surgery. I can't afford to lose a chance at getting some proper hydration." She was being funny. It felt good to be funny. But she wasn't telling a knock-knock joke. She was being sarcastic, and that felt good too- a mix of comedy and irritation.

Matt laughed. "I guess you're right."

He pulled out the burgers and the fries and laid them out across the TV table, while Caroline poured him a cup of water.

They ate for a little bit in silence. Matt was eating as he normally would, but Caroline was taking small bites and chewing them very slowly. Matt had been around enough emotional girls to know that meant one of two things: either, one, the girl was worried about her weight, and was trying to eat as slowly as possible in order to curb her appetite, like his mom, or, two, the girl was really upset about something, either genuinely sad, or just dealing with the sick feeling (both mental and physical) of coming down from a high, that she could only stomach a few small bites at a time, like Vicki. But Caroline was Caroline. She wasn't 'emotional'. She wasn't drugged out Vicki or his cougar-anorexic mom. She wasn't curbing her appetite; she wasn't coming down from a high. That only left the middle one- genuine sadness. But why would Caroline be sad? She seemed happy before the accident and after the accident, well, she survived, didn't she? Was her slow eating some kind of post-surgery-doctor's orders-thing, then? Whatever it was, Matt wasn't sure.

Caroline caught Matt staring. She had been trying not to look at him for the longest time, but she could feel him watching her, and it made her nervous, uncomfortable.

"What?"

"It's nothing. I just…I just spaced out for a second that's all."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, sorry. What did you mean earlier, when you said that you hated people who were in love?" he asked, abruptly trying to change the subject.

"What?"

"Earlier, when I walked in, you turned off the TV and said something about love, about people in love."

"That…that was nothing. I was just watching this show, _One Tree Hill_, and this guy just re-proposed to his wife."

"Re-proposed?"

"Yeah, well, they're seniors in high school, or they were, in this episode, and when they were juniors, they got married. Crazy, right? I don't know, they were madly in love or something. Anyway, while they were dating, before they were happily married, the guy found out that the girl liked to sing, and she was pretty good too. So, when they got married, he totally encouraged her to sing at this "All Ages Night" and she sorta then gets discovered by this jerk of a guy, who she kisses and then runs away with to go on tour and pursue her music career, granted the two were also accompanied by Michelle Branch's band, The Wreckers, but still. She leaves her husband and he's really hurt by it. I mean it's really sad. This is a guy who's been abandoned by almost everyone in his life- his dad, his mom…" she trailed off, as soon as she said "mom", which Matt noticed, but chose to ignore.

"So what happens?" he asked.

"She comes back and asks him to forgive her, but he won't of course, because he's hurt. They split up for a while and then later on get back together. Then, the guy proposes to the girl again, because of course he loves her, and they're back together, and he wants to give her a big wedding. Not that their first wedding was bad. It was really cute. It was on the beach, it was really simple, and the girl's parents were the only ones who attended. It was actually, really, really sweet. Not what you'd normally picture for a 'quickie wedding'. Anyway, I said what I said, because no matter how much I love that show, it's too unrealistic. Don't get me wrong, I get that TV's unrealistic, and the writers, producers, directors, and actors have the freedom to be as unrealistic as they please. It's just, I feel like don't be mean about it. If you want to be unrealistic, give me aliens, or zombies, or even vampires, don't give me couples who get married and then _re-married _in high school. Oh yeah, and she gets pregnant senior year, and has a kid on graduation day."

"Wow. That is unrealistic."

"Yeah, it is. It's just…relationships aren't like that. You don't just fall in love, get married, break up, make up, renew your vows, and then, have a baby. Relationships aren't that easy. That couple on _One Tree Hill_, it was portrayed more complicated than that, but still, it was too easy…if that makes sense. All of that stuff that happened with that couple, between the first marriage and the baby, all happened over…three seasons."

"Wow."

"Yep. They get married spring of junior year and have the baby spring of senior year, graduation, so actually it was one year, _One Tree Hill _time, but about three seasons, spring of season 1 to season 4, and they renew their vows somewhere in between. It's just like, come on! People, _in real life_, get married and are married for seventeen years, and then all of a sudden, the husband's gay and finds a boyfriend, and the wife's wallowing in her misery, while the kid is stuck in between."

"The stuff with your parents still hurts, huh?"

"What? Well, yeah, but it's not just that…It's, it's…"

"It's what, Care?"

And then, she closed her eyes. She felt a wave of…well, a lot of things. She felt sick, she felt sad, she was really pissed off, and…let down. Her breathing went from its normal rhythm to short, rapid breaths. Then, she started crying. And she kept on crying.

"Caroline, what is it? What's wrong? Care, shh, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. What's wrong?" Matt was shocked, scared, and the confusion that had been screwing with his head since last night, doubled.

"It hurts!" she exclaimed, sobbing, hysterically…crying like she had never cried before.

"What hurts? Caroline, what hurts?"

"Everything. Everything hurts. This hurts. Us…it hurts."

"Caroline, what are you talking about?"

"I, I, Matt, I…I think we should break up or end whatever it is that we have. We should just end it, now."


End file.
